A Man and His Story

SESSION ONE: LOOKING BACK
I. INTRODUCTION

1.      Every man has a Story.

2.      Too often, men do not know how to deal with their hurts, hopes and emotions.

II. LOOKING BACK

1. Every guy has been shaped by the key moments in his life.
2. Too many guys are Driven by events in their past that they don’t understand.
3. To be a real man, you have to look back and figured out what has shaped you.
4. We will be covering some sacred topics.

III.THREE KEY IDEALS TO GUIDE US

1. Take a Balanced approached to analyzing our past.

·                    Manhood definition:

            -Reject Passivity

            -Accept Responsibility

            -Lead Courageously

            -Invest Eternally

·             We’re going to take the initiative to look back on our lives.

2.The concept of Wounds.

·                    The deepest wounds that men can experience in life aren’t physical but are the wounds of his soul.

·         The natural instinct of a man who has a wounded soul is to simply Pretend it’s not there.

·           Some guy’s compensate for the pain by learning not to feel.

·           Wound: Any Unresolved issue where a lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the direction  and dynamics of a man’s life now.

3. Ultimately, God is the Author of your life.

·        God can redeem your past and bless your future.

·        “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 [ESV]

IV.THE EXPERTS: UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF OUR STORY

1. Jeff Schulte, Executive Director, Sage Hill Institute, an initiative for Authentic Christian Leadership.

2. Dr. Chip Dodd, Executive Director and Co-founder of the Center for Personal Excellence, a treatment center working with high-level executives.

DISCUSSION/REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Is there any hesitancy to look back at the defining moment and key relationships in your life?
2. Do you tend to blame your past or ignore your past? Why 

 SESSION TWO:DAD
I. THE IMPORTANCE OF FATHERS

1. Present or Absent, good or bad, the father / Son relationship is significant in shaping all of us.
2. None of us were raised by a perfect father and this has left all of us wounded to one degree or another.
3. “Grandchildren are the crown of old men, And the glory of sons is their fathers.” Proverbs 17:6 [NASH]
4. Every father gets undeserved Admiration from his son the minute he comes into the world.
5. To day in the United States, 33% of children grow up apart from their biological fathers.
6. Modern research has demonstrated the importance of fathers:
• Statistically, children growing up in father-absent homes are more likely to:

 -Die in infancy

 -Live in poverty

 -End up in prison

 -Use drugs

 -Be abused

 -Be overweight

 -Dropout of school

·  Children with involved fathers are more likely to have:

 -Better grades

 -Better verbal skills

 -More confidence

 -Better physical health

·   Recent research indicates that fathers Uniquely add value to their children.

II. DEFINITIONS AND REMEMBERING DAD

1. Wound: Any unresolved issue where a lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the direction and dynamics of a man’s life now.
2. Father Wound: It’s “an ongoing emotional, social, or spiritual deficit that’s caused by the lack of a healthy Relationship with dad and now must be overcome by other means.”
3. It was caused when there was a lack of heart connection, or companionship or substantive direction from dad.
4. It’s about how your dad related to you.

III. THREE COMMON RESPONSES TO THE FATHER WOUND

1. Anger and pain

      The Bible shows a connection between a man’s Anger ans his dad.

      “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4 [ESV]

      “Fathers, do not provoke your children, or they may lose heart.” Colossians 3:21 [NRSV]

      Without a dad, there is a Vacuum in a son’s life and part of what fills that vacuum is rage.

2. The bottling up of feelings

      -To Pretend like your not effected.

      -You can never completely bottle it up, it’ll express itself somehow.

      -According to John Sowers in the fatherless Generation, “Fatherless creates an appetite in the soul that Demands fulfillment.”

      -Unhealthy ways this hunger can find it’s way to the surface:

      -Addictions or obsessions

      -Drugs, pornography and excessive alcohol

3. An inner sense of lostness or incompleteness.

      -Incompleteness can be Relational, we never felt accepted or validated by dad.

      -Incompleteness ca be Informational, Dad didn’t teach us to shave or balance a checking account or how to pursue a woman, etc.

IV. OVERCOMING THE EFFECTS OF THE FATHER WOUND

1. The absence of a great father is not insurmountable.

2. With Christ’s help we can Overcome any obstacle.

V.WHAT EVERY SON NEEDS FROM DAD

1. Time together

2. Life skills

3. Direction with solid answers to the Why questions of life.

4. Deep life convictions

      -You will leave in your son what you have Lived out in your home.

5. Dad’s heart

      -I love you

      -I’m proud of you

      -I’m affirming you

DISCUSSION / REFLECTION QUESTIONS

      1. How do you feel about your relationship with your dad?  What are three words or phrases that sum up your relationship with him?

      2. This session talked about the father wound expressing itself in three ways:

                  [1] anger and pain

                  [2] the bottling up of feelings

                  [3] a sense of relational or informational incompleteness. Elaborate on how these three things describe you.

SESSION THREE: MOM

I. THE INFLUENCE OF MOM

1. The mother / son Relationship is an important part of who you are.
2. The way mom “has handled you needs as a child has shaped your worldview, your relationships, your marriage, your career, your self-image, your life.  What we learn in our relationship with our mother deeply affects every area of our adult life.” – The Mom Factor, by Henry Cloud

II. TWO SIGNIFICANT  BREAKS WITH MOM

1. A healthy relationship with mom requires two significant breaks.
2. There must be a Physical separation from mom at birth to end the oneness that began at conception.
3. There must be an Emotional separation from mom when a boy transitions to manhood.
1. Many men are left deeply entrenched or Overly  connected to mom.
2. Men who are overly connected to mom can feel like their masculinity is Fragile.
3. “Therefore a man shall LEAVE his father and mother and HOLD FAST to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 [ESV]

III. THE MOTHER WOUND AND ITS EFFECTS

1.      Mother wound: “An Unhealthy, emotional relationship with mom that causes a son to either be threatened by the influence of women later on in life or to overidentify and become submissive to the influence of women.”

2.      Men with a mother wound will often drift to one of two extremes in how they relate to women.  They often become either DOMINANT MALES or SOFT MALES.

·        Dominant males: too Controlling towards mom.

·        Soft males : become Passive and submissive toward women.

IV. COMMON CHARACTERISTICS OF THE MOTHER WOUND

1.      Usually, the mother wound is not one of inattention but overattention.

2.      This wound often begins with an absent or distant Father.

3.      Marion Levy writes that modern men “are overwhelmingly likely to have been reared under the direct domination and supervision of females from birth to maturity.”

V. FOUR TYPES OF MOMS THAT CONTRIBUTE TO THE MOTHER WOUND

1. The Unintentional mom.

            - She stays oblivious to her son’s need to connect with other men and to make a healthy break with her.

2. The Hurting Mom

      -A women who has lost emotional connection with her husband and she makes up for this by over-connecting to her son.

3. The Unwilling-to-Release Mom

      -Oftentimes, these moms have dominant personalities and they simply love to be in control.

4. The fill-in-the Gap mom

      -This can lead to over-connection and dependence if the son doesn’t have strong male mentors to guide him.

VI. JESUS AND HIS MOM

1. Did you know that Jesus had some Conflict with his mom?
2. “Then Jesus entered a house, again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat.  When his family heard about it, they went to take charge of him, for they said’ He is out of his mind’… Then Jesus” mother and brothers arrived.  Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him.  A crowd was sitting around him and they told him,”Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” Who are my mother and my brothers?’ he asked.  Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him said, “Here are my mother and my brothers!  Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother,” Mark 3:20-21;31-35 [NIV]

      -Jesus had healthy Boundaries with his mom.

3. “Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother…When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother,”Dear woman, here is your son’ and to the disciple, ”Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took he into his home.” John 19:25-27 [NIV]

      -Jesus’ actions respected he role as mom.

4. Jesus offers us a perfect example of how to interact with our moms:

      -Healthy boundaries

      -Genuine love

      -Proper respect

5. Many of us have Unfinished business with mom.

       DISCUSSION / REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1.        Describe your relationship with your mom growing up. How is (was) it as an adult?
2. Would you say that you have effectively made "the break" with mom?  Does your mom presently exert an unhealthy influence in your life? Your marriage? What would your wife say?
3. Can you see a connection between the way you relate to your mom and how you relate to other women in your life?

SESSION FOUR: HEALING

I.INTRODUCTION

1. We are going to provide some practical advice that will help deal with your own personal situation.

II.FIVE GUIDELINES FOR DEALING WITH WOUNDS

1. If you’ve been wounded by mom or dad, you’ve got to choose to deal with this wound Responsibly.

      -Regardless of mom or dad’s role in the situation, the burden ultimately falls on you to resolve the situation in your own life.

2. If you’ve been wounded by mom or dad, you should begin the process of Forgiveness.

      -You decide to no longer exact punishment in any form or fashion.

3. If you have been negatively impacted by mom or dad,Share your story with some trustworthy men.

      -Dealing with wounds is a process.

4. If you’re married and you’ve got Unresolved issues from your past, tell your wife.
5. If there are unresolved issues with a parent, this may mean that you need to have a direct but respectful conversation with mom and dad.

III.DIRECT CONVERSATIONS WITH DAD AND MOM

1. If you’re a son wounded by dad, consider seeking Direct reconciliation with your father.

      -You have to be the one to initiate

      -You can’t control his Response, His response is not what matters.

2. If you have unresolved issues with mom, you must create a strategy for making a clean break from mom and for creating a new normal in how you relate to her.

      -You need to identify the specific issues that you’re dealing with.

      -You need to create and enforce healthy Boundaries.

IV.GUIDELINES FOR DADS

1. If you’re a dad, then it’s never too Late to close the gap with your son.

      -You can’t change the past, but you can make changes right now in how you relate to your son.

      -Perhaps your son still needs to hear from you the three “essentials:”

·        I love you

·        I’m proud of you

·        You’re good at something

2. Wounding your son to some degree is Unavoidable.

DISCUSSION / REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Have you released/forgiven your dad and assumed responsibility for your own life? If you could sit down and “bare your soul” to your father, what would you say him?
2. Do you need to have a respectful but direct conversation with your dad?  Do you need to establish some boundaries with mom?
3. If you’re a dad, what do your children need from you right now?  Are there things you are doing [or not doing] that may cause them to be wounded later in life?

SESSION FIVE: ALL-ALONE

I. INTRODUCTION

1. Today, we are going to talk about the Importance of a man’s relationship with other men and how those relationships or lack of them can affect a man.
2. We are also going to introduce you to a different type of wound, a wound that is self-inflicted, called, the All-Alone wound.
3. This wound characterizes a man who attempts to live life alone.
4. Teammates in life are essential for us to become better men.

II. THREE TYPES OF TEAMMATES THAT BLESS AND ENERGIZE A MAN’S LIFE

1. The encouraging Mentor.

• Having someone in your life who is a step ahead of you and can offer you wisdom and guidance.
• It’s someone who takes a special interest in you.
• They are committed to your development.
• They see the Best in you even when you can’t see it in yourself.
• They are someone you admire and respect.

2. The Side-by-side Teammate.

• Blessed is the man who has a few committed teammates.
• They love you unconditionally but will speak truth into your life.
• They are true friends who are committed to your best.
• Professor Geoffery Greif says: “Some men remain Stuck in the adolescent phase of friendship.”

·        You must take the risk of creating the side-by side friendships.

3. The Eager Protégé

·        Someone who is a step behind you in life but eager to learn from your experiences.

·        You have the opportunity to give back and Invest.

III. THE ALL-ALONE WOUND

1. Comes from the tendency of a man to live life Outside of character shaping relationships.
2. This self-inflicted wound is Avoidable.
3. The all-alone wound is a social, emotional and spiritual loss caused by lack of healthy male teammates.
4. Most men are never truly Known.

IV. THE CONSEQUEENCES OF THE ALL-ALONE WOUND

1. A warped perspective on life

·        Self-deceit comes from being disconnected

·        “There is a way that seems right to a man, but it’s end is the way to death.” Proverbs 14:12 [ESV]

·        To get an accurate picture of yourself, you need feedback from trusted teammates.

2. The potential for careless living and Foolish choices.

·        “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against sound judgement.” Proverbs 18:1 [ESV]

·        Not having a teammate makes it easy for the Standard to get lowered.

·        The path to foolish decisions is often alones.

3. A lost chance for much needed transparency.

·        Every man needs teammates with whom he can feel Safe.

·        Without transparency, men are likely to fall into:

-         Discouragement

-         Depression

-         Danger

V. BUILDING HEALTHY TEAMMATES

1.      Learn how to be a Loyal teammate who encourages others.

2.      Learn how to ask goos questions and take a genuine Interest in others.

3.      Be willing to be vulnerable and Transparent.

4.      Initiate with other men.

VI. INITIATING WITH MENTORS AND PROTEGES

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.” Proverbs 13:20 [ESV]

1. Mentors

·        Look for a man whose character and skills you admire.

·        Consider having different mentors for different areas of life.

·        Consider having mentors from different Seasons of life.

2. Protégé

·        Be a man to whom others are Drawn.

·        Make yourself available.

·        “Two are better that one, because they have a good reward for their toil.” Ecclesiastes 4:9 [NIV]

DISCUSSION / REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1.      Do you feel the all-alone wound? Explain

2.      Discuss your level of true transparency with other men in your life.

3.      What are the next steps you need to take to initiate with teammates in your life?

SESSION SIX: HEART

I. Introduction

Wound : Any unresolved issue where a lack of closure adversely impacts and shapes the direction and dynamics of a man’s life now.

1.      All men are affected by Wounds to one degree or another.

2.      Authentic men are Difference-makers.

3.      Every man has the Heart wound.

II. A BROKEN WORLD

1.      In an instant, a perfect world became Imperfect.

2.      We live as broken men in a broken world.

3.      In spite of our best efforts to create Heaven on earth, we still experience pain, disappointment, discouragement, fear, anxiety, and frustration.

4.      One day Jesus will return to make all things New.

·        “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 [ESV]

III. BROKEN MEN

1.      Adam’s sin not only broke the world, it also broke Us.

2.      The Bible teaches that our nature is bent Away from God.

3.      Left to ourselves we try to do Good but too often we can’t.

4.      The heart wound is a man’s total inability to do gooa before God apart from a relationship with Jesus Christ.

·        “There is no one righteous, not even one.” Romans 3:10 [NIV]

·        Compare to God’s standard, we all fall miserably Short.

5.      The solution to the heart wound is not psychology, morality, religion, or self-help.

6.      In the book of Romans, Paul reveals the Solution to the heart wound:

·        “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 [ESV]

·        Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6 [ESV]

7.   Jesus  only solution to the heart wound.

IV. DISCONNECTED MEN

1.      Faith in Jesus doesn’t mean that we all of a sudden become Perfect.

2.      There are Lingering effects of the heart wound.

3.      When we disconnect from our Heart it sets us up for failure and it leads us into dangerous and damaging territory.

4.      Men have a tendency to bore through life with their Head.

5.      Men’s routine Avoidance of self-disclosure is dangerous to their emotional and even physical health.

6.      Author Chip Dodd says: “We just go through the motions, never fully knowing ourselves, never fully knowing others and never fully finding the Abundant life.”

7.      Those feelings and experiences that we stuff deep inside always find a way to the Surface.

V. THREE SUGGESTIONS FOR CONNECTING WITH OUR HEART

1.      We must recognize and Feel feelings.

·        “Feeling our feelings is about beginning to take responsibility for the content of our hearts.  It requires us to live out of how our hearts are made and use our feelings to experience and add to relationship, first with ourselves, then with others.”

·        There are two extremes that can happen with emotions:

·        To Disconnect-driven by desire to control life.

·        To Overindulge emotions-driven by self-love and self-obsession.

·        A balanced approach is to be honest with our feels before God and before trustworthy friends.

2.      We must tell the Truth about our hearts to those who are trustworthy.

·        We need to practice Transparent communication.

·        To one degree or another, we all struggle with the Same things.

·        “No temptation has sezed you except what is common to man.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 [NIV]

3.      Give the truth of your heart to God.

·        Like David, we must be brutally Honest with God.

·        Try keeping a journal of your prayers to God.

VI. CONCLUSION

1.      To stay connected to our heart, we need three things:

·        Feel our feelings

·        Tell the truth about our hearts to others

·        Give the truth of our hearts to God

2.      We were Broken men living in a broken world.

·        Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 [NIV]

3.      We are wired to have Community with our Creator and community with others.

4.      The six sessions of “A Man and His Story”mwere intended to help you become more connected:

·        Connected to your past…with your wounds and your victories [sessions 1,2,3,& 4].

·        Connected to others…your teammates [session 5].

·        Connected to yourself…your own heart [session 6].

·        Connected to God…and the story He is telling through your life [sessions 1 and 6].

DISCUSSION / REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1.      How has the brokenness of the world touched your life? What does God promise to redeem the world mean to you?

2.      Why do you think it is difficult for guys to be transparent? Discuss how transparency may be difficult for you personally.

3.      This session recommended three ways to connect with your heart. How are you doing in these areas:

1. Recognize and feel feelings

2. Tell the truth about our hearts to those who are trustworthy

3. Give the truth of our hearts to God

Taken from 33 THE SERIES "A MAN AND HIS STORY"
LifeWay